This was supposed to just be a letter to myself, in private, but it felt so good to get my thoughts out on paper that I now want to share them. Just for that little extra bit of permanence, of accountability I guess. It’s rambling as all get out and flits painfully between first and second person, but nevertheless, it’s where I’m at.
What do I want?
I have a lot of things I want to accomplish…I was going to say “this year” but a year is a meaningless construct (no offense to my own blog), so let’s just say in my life now. I can’t keep sitting around waiting for a conversation to resume, I’ll be waiting forever.
I want to fix my house. My mother hates living in such a shambles of a house, and I’m embarrassed by it. I want to take pride in our house. I get to live in it, I should at least take care of it and show a modicum of respect for it. I want to clean every room in here. Especially my parents room, it’s mortifying that I let my mother live somewhere so dirty. I want to tidy up outside, get rid of the junk, grow the lawns back. I want to fix the pool and get rid of the ecosystem. I want to reach the point where I can grow things in the garden to eat. I want to reach the point where I can get new furniture in like a normal person. I want the house to be clean and tidy enough that we can maintain it. I want my mother to live in a house she can be proud of.
I want to be fitter than I’ve ever been before. I can no longer sit on my bed all day watching telly, and then expect to perform in sport. It’s a waste, I have been blessed with an athletic, healthy body, with the capacity to build muscle mass, with a desire to play sport and play it well. I can be fit and healthy. I SHOULD be fit and healthy. I won’t be in my 20s forever, and I won’t be this lucky with injuries forever, especially playing three sports and lifting my mother up every day. I need to take advantage of my health while I’m young. I’ll never be any younger.
So I’m going to start treating my body like the precious gift it is. I’m not going to keep filling it with rubbish. I’m not going to let it sit and stagnate. I’m going to drink water. I’m going to eat real food. I’m going to eat vegetables and fruit and meat. I’m still going to eat junk and drink Coke, but I will do it as a treat, as the 20%, instead of the 80%. I’m going to move. It doesn’t matter what it is, and I’m still convinced that I will never become someone who can just jog, but I will move. I can swim, I can ride my bike, I can kick a football around, I can have a throw in the nets, I can join a new sport, I can attend training, I can lift weights. I want to try yoga and see if I can improve my flexibility and core. I want to reach a level of fitness that allows me to perform to the best of my ability at footy and football and any other sport.
I want to make the most of my sporting career. Real professional success passed me by as a teenager, but seeing what’s happening with women’s sport at the moment has reinvigorated that desire that has laid dormant for so long. I want to play sport at the highest level I possibly can. I’m going to recommit to footy, attend every training, keep learning the game, keep improving my fitness, and get better and better. Lock down a spot in the forward line. I want to be a key forward for this team. And I want to be the best footballer I can be for the Dugongs. I love those girls, they all run their asses off and I want to repay that by doing my job for them and scoring goals. It’s more fun when you’re winning. It’s also more fun when you’re having fun, so I’m going to enjoy my football more and cheer the hell up. And I seriously want to get into cricket next season, I have no idea how I’ll go with a cricket bat in my hand, but this summer has given me the itch and I want to see how good I can be at it.
I want to improve my health for other reasons too. I want to live a long life and I want to feel good while I do. There are so many bad habits that I’ve gotten away with while I’m young, but once again, I won’t be young forever. This is for Future Stace. I want to improve my posture, my flexibility. I want to regulate my body clock so I get a proper sleep of a night, and don’t sleep in or sleepwalk through the day. I want to get my eyes checked again and correct my vision so that I can see. I want to keep improving my skin, to the point where I am sore-free, to the point where I don’t have baggy, raccoon eyes. I will finally look like a normal person. I will spend lots of time outside and get lots of sun into me. I want to keep playing around with my hair. I want to stop biting my nails and repair them, to the point where I can paint them and not be embarrassed by them. I want an even tan. I want a flat stomach. I want to look good naked. I want to look in the mirror and like what I see. Really like it.
I want to be a better carer for my mother. She deserves better. It’s basically just me now and I just need to be more diligent with it until more help arrives in the near future. They raised me and now they need my help, at least for a little while more still.
I want to be a writer. I AM a writer. I want to do it all the time. In whatever form that takes. This blog was fun for a while but I lost interest – I need to find something to write all the time. I want to keep talking about women’s sport, I want to get Women’s Sport in Sydney up and running as a successful promotional tool, see where it goes. I want to reach people with it. I want to write about history. I’ve just looked back on my blog and the entries I clicked on and read through were all the history and facts posts. Those were the ones I had the most fun writing. I love discovering facts, I want to take the stories that I love and write them, in a way that will reach people. History is hilarious and bizarre and wonderful and true, and I want to share that feeling with the world. So I will write. And then I will try to reach more people and make it sustainable. I will get a new job. This gig has been fine and it will be fine through summer while I’m doing so much sport and beaching and cleaning my house. But then I’m going to get a new job, doing something else, something that uses my brain, uses my words. I need to see what else is out there. And it will be hard, it will be painful trying to put myself out there, and I will fail and fail again, and I will be discouraged, but I WILL push through. This is what life is, it’s hard and you fail loads before you hit something. Don’t be scared of failure. Everybody fails. It will be worth it in the end when you have a job that stimulates your brain and earns you some real money.
Money that I want to save. I save but I can be so much better at it. I live at home and have very few real expenses. Almost everything I spend money on is discretionary, and I need to use that discretion much better. Identify my spending priorities, concentrate on them, and cut out the stuff I just waste money on. Be stringent, because you’ll never have as few expenses than you do now, you’ll never have a better chance to save money than now. I don’t know what exactly to use it for, but either way, it’s going towards getting me out of this place. Think about that, think about getting closer and closer to getting away, and resist the urge to mindlessly waste money. It adds up. So start being mindful instead. Think about other ways to make some money. Selling stuff on ebay was a good idea, get back into that. I’m sure there’s a bunch of junk in this house that could go on ebay.
And start thinking about what to do with the money. If you want to move out, find out how real estate works, start looking at houses and flats and apartments, start discovering how much this stuff costs and how far away you are, so you can set a target. If you want to go overseas, then start thinking about it, figure out when and where and how and how much. Plan. You’re going to have to start planning now, even if the end goal is years into the future. Think of Future Stace and stop drifting aimlessly.
Meet new people. Now that you know how lesbian works keep at it, go to events and talk to people. Find the lesbians. Put yourself out there, rejection is the worst that could happen and it’s really not all that bad. Try penis, and if it’s something you find interesting then keep at it. Have sex, have fun, fall in love again. All the good stuff.
Keep doing new things. 2015 and The Year of Something New was brilliant for opening my eyes to things, seeing just how stuck in my shell I was and getting new experiences in. I am so glad I started it. I faltered by the end with writing about it, but the doing new stuff worked and I am now much more likely to instinctively try new things, instead of instinctively shying away from them. So I just need to keep doing that, more and more. Try new food, go new places, watch new shows, read new books, listen to new music, do new things, meet new people, discover new information. Trying Something New is stimulating for the brain, and it feels good to be stimulated in some small way each day. Learn, learn, learn. There is still so much that I don’t know yet. And I want to know everything.
More than anything else, I’m just going to enjoy myself. Life is too short not to. I had a little bit of an epiphany on NYE, as I squeezed one last Something New into the year – I tried weed for the first time. When I was high as fuck and giggling uncontrollably my friends remarked that they’d never seen me look so happy. And frankly I found that a little sad, that I had to get ridiculously stoned for my closest friends to see me have a good time. I’m a happy person, generally speaking, and I thought I had fun. Maybe I just don’t have enough of it. Maybe I just don’t show it on my face. Either way, life is too damn short. I’m going to be happy as fuck, and show it.