Day 177: The Second Cigarette

Today I smoked a cigarette for the second time. An exceedingly dumb thing to do for curiosity’s sake, I grant you, but as we’ve established my life is a shambles at the moment, so there’s no time like the present for a little dose of self-destructive behaviour.

Actually the main reason why I decided to do it was because I didn’t hate the first one enough.

I mean I didn’t like it, at all. But I didn’t hate it. It was just there. The only thought I had about it was that smoking a cigarette wasn’t nearly as unpleasant as breathing in second hand smoke from someone else.

I absolutely hate passive smoking. Which is unfortunate because it’s basically part of my job description. The only thing I hate more is passive aggression, which is why I’m not one of those assholes who will stand next to a smoker and put on an Oscar-winning coughing performance. But I really do hate it. So ever since I had the fag and didn’t feel like crawling into a hole and dying, I’ve found it that much harder to sit around and cop fumes in my face all day long. I’ve found myself thinking “Smoking would probably be less unpleasant than this.”

And I don’t WANT to think like that! I would never take up smoking, believe me. It’s disgusting, expensive, carcinogenic and stinks to high heaven. But the memory of that not-the-worst-thing-ever first ciggy lingered. The stray smoke I somehow acquired ways back sat on my shelf staring at me. And I still have to passively smoke on a regular basis in order to get paid. I needed to make myself hate the idea of smoking, the same way I hate passive smoking: viscerally. So to prove to myself once and for all that smoking is not the answer…I smoked. Perfect logic!

And lo and behold, the second cigarette fucking sucked. Urgh. It tasted disgusting, I had smoke all up in my eyeballs, my tongue actually stung breathing in fumes, and the smell just got EVERYWHERE. I drank a Coke, had gum, washed my hands, changed my clothes, sprayed deodorant…and still all I can fucking smell is smoke. How do people live like this? How do you stand smelling of something so foul all the damn time? I just had one and I want to drown myself in bleach to be rid of it. What is the appeal?

I’m not sure why it didn’t feel this bad the first time. Maybe the newness was exciting enough to distract me. Maybe the company was distracting enough to distract me. Maybe it was a nicer cigarette. Who knows, but whatever the case, this experience has definitely cured me of that little voice in the back of my head telling me that active smoking would be better than passive smoking. Don’t smoke kids. Cigarettes are gross.

Although, I did quite like smoking the e-cig…

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