Never has a song lyric been so appropriately misappropriated.
The other day I lady’d up and finally bought a vibrator. Today I finally used it. The reason for the delay between A and B was a cataclysmic series of unfortunate events that, for once, I cannot do justice to with the written word, although I will try my level best. Needless to say, this will be a mildly NSFW kind of post.
I received the delicate object in question in the mail on Friday just before starting a 17-hour work shift. Whatever, I figured. This thing isn’t going anywhere, right? No biggie. Then a few hours into my shift, my client decided to spend some quality time with his family instead of me, which left me off the hook work-wise until 11pm. Suddenly it hit me: I had hours to burn. I could spend some quality time of my own with my new best friend!
So now I’m driving home with a slight breeze on the nips, but before I can even get there, my phone rings and it’s work. Something has been misplaced and they want me to double-check that it’s not back at my client’s house. Sure, he doesn’t need it now, and I’ll be back there in a few hours whereupon I will make a thorough search. As I return happily to thoughts of the fun times ahead, the phone rings again. On second thought, they want me to make that search ASAP. Now that’s fair enough since I’m still technically on the clock…well, that’s what I try to tell myself anyway, as I rue the loss of fapping time that this detour will cause. But hey, duty calls.
So I search the house from top to bottom and can’t find hide nor hair of the elusive item. I call work back to give them the bad news, and confirm that I won’t be needed again until 11pm. Since it was only 8pm, this still left me an ample amount of time to get to know myself better.
So I head to my car eagerly awaiting some Me Time, when I get yet another call from work, wanting to discuss my search and make sure I looked absolutely everywhere, and twice. Listen, mate. Mate. I’m happy to do my bit by all means, but I swear that I did look everywhere, and twice, so can you please leave me alone and let me fap in peace?! Don’t you know what’s waiting for me at home?!?! Do you have ANY idea?! Do you???
Finally I arrive home, exchange pleasantries, feed the cat, reach my room, close the door, and at last there is nothing stopping me from taking blissful advantage of myself. I get as far as opening the package and getting IT out of the box, but before I can put it in my box THIS MOTHERFUCKING PHONE RINGS AGAIN. I don’t throw it against the wall, I answer it, because I’m an idiot. Work. Turns out, since they knew I wasn’t working for a couple hours, they thought in the meantime I could go over to this other client where they were having some trouble with the manual lifting. Could I?? COULD I?!? Nothing on earth would please me more! Abso-lutely nothing.
WHY WON’T ANYONE IN THIS WORLD LET ME MASTURBATE?!?!?!
So IT went back into the box (not mine), and I went back to work. With a severe case of the twitches, but I’m sure that’s entirely coincidental.
By the by, I don’t want y’alls to get the wrong idea. I actually didn’t mind going to work, I was on the clock, and this random client was super lovely and I was more than happy to help her out. And I eventually found time this evening to…go to my room and read a book…so alls well that ends well (and it ended very well). But in the heat of the moment…wow. My lady balls had never been bluer. How you doin’.