I’ll Sleep When I’m Dead. Or Probably Not Even.

“I never sleep /
’cause sleep is the cousin of death”
– Nas ‘N.Y. State of Mind’

Brother had it bang on. While Nas had the streets of New York keeping him up, I have…my life. Clearly they are equally perilous, because I can’t sleep like a normal person anymore. It began when I broke my leg and it was too uncomfortable to sleep in a cast (I’m a tosser-and-turner from way back…not being able to move around in bed without difficulty is a form of torture). You just get used to being awake all night. Wifey goes on holiday and I’m running on American Pacific Time because this conversation needs to continue. I work unorthodox hours so I have the luxury of sleeping through the morning when I don’t have to get up. It all adds up. But then there are times when I DO have to get up, and I know this, and my body still refuses to let me sleep while I can. Well let’s be honest, it’s not so much my body as my overactive mind.

Isn’t that the worst? “I have to go to sleep now…I gotta get up early in the morning…come on brain, go to sleep, go to sleep…sleep…stop thinking about tomorrow…stop trying to remember the capital of Palau…stop rehearsing that conversation you’re not going to have the guts to actually have anyway…stop thinking about playing vigoro…stop thinking about her…get that song out of your head…wait, how does it go again? I can’t remember that line…I better look up the words…ahh that’s the one…hey while I have my phone, better check Facebook…oh that article looks interesting…oh so does that one…oh that reminds me, I wanted to look that up too…oh that reminds me of that thing, when did we say that again? I better check…ahh, there it is, let me read for a bit…wait what the hell is the time? 3:28am?! FUCK!

Fuck. Seriously, go to fucking sleep.

Melekeok! Capital of Palau, bam! She’s still got it! OK, now you better go to sleep. I can see the sun coming up. But wait, then what’s the capital of Micronesia? Argh, I just had it! Doesn’t it start with-oh fuck, there’s my alarm. GO AWAY. SNOOZE FOREVER. NEED TO SLEEP.”

Resulting in me being a) late, and b) hideously exhausted throughout my 12-hour working day.

Is it just me who does this? I can sleep with the best of them, as anyone given the unfortunate task of attempting to wake me up in the morning can attest, but I can also keep myself up all fucking night thinking about everything and nothing, having endless imaginary conversations. With people I know. I guarantee you that if we are good friends in real life, there is a 100% chance that I have had many more imagined conversations with you in my mind (or my bed, or my car) than we’ve ever had in real life.You’d be amazed at the shit we’ve talked about man. For real.

These conversations can be a tad one-sided though; I sure do like to waffle on, and I can never accurately gauge people’s reactions to anything so I don’t trust myself to be able to fill in the blanks. So I don’t really rehearse back and forth conversations, like ever. Just rehearse endless monologues that I wish I could deliver if I had the chance. Not that I ever could, because no idiot would sit there and listen to me talk their ear off about such inanity and in such superfluous, unnecessary detail. I am seriously a next level waffler when I am my own audience (this blog being living proof). So again, I guarantee you that if we are good friends in real life, if I ever monologue the fuck out of you, consider the fact that however long it is taking…it is only the short version. When I did it in the car to my steering wheel it was like five times as long. Count yourself lucky.

So here I am, it’s after midnight and I am beyond wide awake. Maybe because I never seem to sleep before 12am anymore. Maybe because I had a two hour nap this evening. And not even a normal, everyday nap, but an ANGRY NAP. I had just finished reading Gone Girl, and it left me so irritated that I had wasted so much of my life (read: about 24 hours) reading what turned out to be a pretty piece of shit novel that I promptly…fell asleep. Not so much sleep defence as sleep offense. I had to do something! Something worthwhile. And nowadays sleep is always a worthwhile endeavour, because I never seem to get any anymore. A thought I am sure I will ponder and expound upon to myself as I go to bed and gaze at the ceiling for a few hours – it’s only early after all. Nighty night.

(Palikir. The capital of the Federated States of Micronesia is Palikir. It was all for effect and I still can’t leave thinking I’ve given anyone the impression that I don’t know what the capital of Micronesia actually is. I am so anal retentive about the strangest things.)

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