Well…this was predictable.
I haven’t written much about anything other than football in a while, and that’s because I haven’t done anything more interesting than watch football in a while. My motivation has waned and to be honest…it lasted a lot longer than I thought it would. Than it usually does.
I’m following a deeply familiar pattern of behaviour here. Whenever I attempt to do something long-term, I start off well, then something big or small gets in the way and I falter. Oftentimes I distract myself from what I’m supposed to be doing by doing other useful or interesting – but ultimately irrelevant – things instead. I have always used misdirection as a procrastination technique; when I had homework to do, I’d clean my room instead. When I was supposed to clean my room, I’d clean the kitchen instead. And when I was supposed to clean the kitchen, I’d…pretend to do homework instead.
It’s surely some kind of self-justification thing happening in my brain, where I feel better about being a lazy fuck by telling myself that at least I’m doing something useful. And I’m doing it right now. I’m supposed to be trying new things and enjoying life, and instead I’m shutting myself in my house cleaning out kitchen cupboards. I’m supposed to be writing this blog, but instead I’m trying to write lines. (Speaking of which…White Girl Rapping Update: Kendrick Lamar “i” has been nailed in less than a week. Booya. “Rap God” is as good as it is ever going to get short of some kind of surgical procedure to make my mouth move faster, so I am handing it in and moving on to other things. Now I’m on the lookout for my next piece of hip hop homework. Actually on second thought, better not call it homework. If I do I will never get it done. Wow. Procrastinating from talking about procrastinating by making an aside and ending up snapping on myself about procrastinating. I’m on some kind of Inception tip right now.)
ANYWAY, back to our sheep…the point is that I distract myself from the task at hand (well proven, I think…). Then I don’t get back on the horse immediately, time goes by, and after a while I feel like it’s too late to start again and all my desire is gone. Predictable, predictable.
In terms of this project, I’ve been getting by largely by “cheating” with a new band a day and the odd football match for a while now. Today I…ate at a Chinese I’d never been to before. Way to get out and experience the world Stace. I was never too worried about the amount of cheating and laughably minor “new things” I’d have to do in order to complete this mission. I’m realistic about life. Plus I know myself and how easily I succumb to inertia, I never expected myself to jump up and turn life into an adventure overnight. But I’m now becoming disheartened by how much I’m slipping, how lame I continue to be. I’m dangerously close to failing altogether, and I refuse to allow that to happen.
I refuse. For once in my life, I choose perseverance. I choose to not be lazy. I choose to get back on the horse. Lots of people manage to be not lazy all the time, right? How hard can it be? So like I just…do stuff, instead of not doing stuff? That’s it? Hmm…we’ll see. I may not have a choice anyway…I’m rapidly running out of kitchen cupboards. And I can’t rhyme for shit. Trying to live life to the fullest may actually be the easier option at this point. So let’s just try that. Again.